Don’t Pop-Out People

By Molly Stogrin

“Your biological clock is ticking!” “I want to be a grandma!” “You two would have adorable children!” If you’re a woman in her twenties, you’ve probably heard one of these “subtle” statements that dance around the question, “When are you having kids?” And “Never” is a perfectly acceptable answer.

“Pizza is Bae-by” photo series by Shaela Dansereau. 

With Mother’s Day having recently passed, your newsfeed is probably crammed with mommy appreciation posts—most of them from women talking about how great they are for popping out a person. Well, having a functioning reproductive system and failing to use birth control doesn’t make you a hero; it actually makes you part of the problem. Before all the mommy bloggers put down Pinterest and fire up their typing fingers to heat up the comment section, hear this: Human overpopulation is a problem, and by biologically birthing a child you are a contributor. Now you can be mad.

Save The World

Overpopulation is a hot button issue as the jury is out on the future of the world. The only thing we know for sure is that it took 200,000 years for the earth’s human population to reach one billion and only 200 years to reach seven billion. Scientists believe that population growth could level off as fertility forecasts seem to be dropping in most countries. However, if that projection is slightly off our population will either shirk to unimaginable lows or soar to extreme highs, and there is no telling which way it will go. At the same time, we know that climate change is very real (sorry president Trump) and we are currently amid a global water crisis, so more people equals more water and we don’t have enough to sustain our current population as freshwater shortages are coming.

Speaking of the environment, creating a legacy may be something that you’re interested in, but the only legacy you’re sure to create is a carbon legacy. You’re responsible for the carbon emissions of half your offspring, and if your kid has kids you’re responsible for a quarter of their emissions, and as time goes on, science can trace that environmental impact back to you. So, your pageant queen may disappoint you when she doesn’t qualify for Miss Universe, but her carbon legacy will not disappoint as she struts her way into destroying the ozone layer; a problem that no amount of reusable grocery bags can fix. So, as a precaution, we should probably put a pause on birthing babies.

Adoption is an Option

Not procreating might seem a little drastic for people who desire to be parents. A possible solution for potential breeders is adoption. As of 2015, there were over 30,000 kids legally eligible and awaiting adoption, but many of those kids end up “ageing out of the system,” and 73 percent of kids who age out are unemployed.

If you really want to be a “hero” by breeding, why not save a child’s life by adopting? Help Canada by lowering unemployment rates. If you don’t want to skip over the phase of poopy diapers and vomit, you can adopt a baby.

I get it—”I want to have my own and experience birth.” Let me tell you something: your genetic material is not that special, Karen. When you get pregnant, you have a lot of health risks posed on your body including, but not limited to, death. So keep that in mind when you breed. Not to mention, you could have problems getting pregnant and might have to pay for treatments such as in vitro fertilization, or IVF for short, which can cost upwards of $10,000 per cycle, and there’s no telling how many cycles you will need to get pregnant. Now, imagine walking up to a baby in the system and telling them, “Hey little one, I know you need love, and I can provide that for you, but I’d rather spend $40,000 to use my genetic material because I don’t know who your parents are. Goodbye and good luck!” Yeah, now that you see it written out it makes you look a little selfish.

It’s Your Life

Ultimately, it’s your body and your choice. If you want to risk death, spend a bunch of money and stop eating sushi while washing it down with wine to produce your special little miracle, go ahead. Just know that the next time you see someone of birthing age without children, the only thing you should be saying to them is, “Thank you.”