Valentine’s Day for cynics

THE DAY OF capitalist consumption under the guise of affection is near. And for women who have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of sanity over romance, it can be a bit of a sore spot.

Valentine’s Day might be perfectly lovely for those who can include “someone’s Valentine” under their roles in life, but, for anyone left watching from the sidelines, it can lend itself to sorrow and tears.

However, modern women are seeing their value, and it seems high time singledom is revered for its freedoms, rather than pitied for its isolation.

If you’re a woman who will be spending the day without a beau, here are some launching points from which to begin planning your day of self-love.

1  Gather your single friends and curse the names of your exes. (Bonus points if you have a full moon under which to howl naked.)

2  Watch a movie at home and think about the money you’re saving. 

3  Read about the lives of women who have thrived without husbands or boyfriends. Study them. Admire them. Become them. (Louisa May Alcott, Jane Austen, Greta Garbo, Jane Fonda, Susan B. Anthony, Mary Cassatt).

4  Browse the Internet for a furry companion, because there is honour in committing to the stereotype, and cats will not ghost you after 14 years of friendship and one misguided night of lust. 

5  Go ghost hunting. It’s no secret that men of bygone eras possessed an air of gentlemanly sophistication that the modern male is lacking. While it likely will not end in happily-ever-after, a dalliance with a hunk of history might be the key to enlightenment. What he lacks in opacity he will certainly make up for in chivalry. 

6  Celebrate the medical milestone of penicillin being administered for the very first time to treat patient Albert Alexander on Feb. 14, 1941. Though there are conflicting reports on the date of this event, it is poetic to imagine that an antibiotic used to treat sexually transmitted infections is linked to a day that only exists to get men laid. 

7  Dive into the love-lives of literary heroines – without the risk of being disrupted by an adult who needs your help to find his belongings. 

8  Make a meaningless change in the hopes of transforming your life. Cut your bangs, dye your hair, pierce something – a dagger to the heart is nothing compared to a needle through your nipple. 

9  Lie in the middle of the bed savouring the fact that it is yours and yours alone. Sleep without disruption. Wear the awful night guard, and the nightie that would’t even make an 18th century clergyman blush. Flannel is in and sharing blankets is out. 

10  Celebrate the Feb. 14 birthdays of journalism heavyweights Carl Bernstein (1944) and Terry Gross (1951) Because if you’re going to dedicate your life to a career instead of love, you might as well know the gritty details of those who perfected the craft before you. 

11  Honour the life of Dolly the sheep, the first cloned mammal, who died at the age of six on Feb. 14, 2003, of lung disease, but changed the face of biotechnology forever. 

12  Listen with feigned interest as your friends complain about their partners, who forgot the one day designed to make up for a year of inadequacy and dirty socks left on the floor. When the call ends, masturbate indulgently and remember that no man has ever come close to your success rate. 

13  Do whatever you’d usually do on a Tuesday, stock up on chocolate the next day, and then go about living the life of your dreams, because nothing will soothe the sardonic soul quite like discount sweets. 

Mainstream media might have some of us believing that life as a single woman is nothing but heartbreak and cats, that anyone who isn’t partnered off is sentenced to a life of loneliness.

But it’s long overdue that modern women kick that notion to the curb – just like that cheating ex, who was uncomfortably close to his mother. Don’t let chocolatiers and capitalism win this round.

Buy your own damned diamonds.